I have always thought that pregnant women were so adorable. I swear, there’s something to their skin glowing or perfect complexion, that bump that seems amazingly perfect. All this makes them more attractive to the world. Maybe that’s because they need the extra compliments, support, and niceties to get them through the scariest time of their lives.
Here I am, 7 months pregnant with my first child, and scared to death. With my supportive friends, co-workers, family, and the world’s most understanding husband, I have never felt so alone in my life. And this isn’t something I feel every day, but I feel it often enough to know that it’s okay to just let it out and talk about it. I also know it’s okay to tell others you feel great, when you just cried in a fitting room 10 minutes before.
Here are some of the things I find to be absolutely horrifying, at this point in time:
1. I am hungry literally ALL THE TIME. I can get hunger pains sometimes one hour after I have eaten, and it feels like I haven’t eaten all day and If i don’t eat right then and there, I will have to murder someone. At the same time, if I eat too much at once, I feel like I am going to explode.
2. It was 36 degrees yesterday and I had the air conditioning on full blast. I was supposed to go to visit my family but after a few hours of errands, but I decided that I needed to change clothes because I was too sweaty, tired and hungry and opted out of the visit all together.
3. My body looks like something from national geographic! My breast are HUGE! I went from a 36D to a 40E over the last few months and do not recognize myself in the mirror. I have stretch marks on both sides of my body, and no matter what creams I use and how diligent I am at putting them on, I swear there’s a new shiny line every day.
4. I. Am. Tired. My best friends went to NYC, and I didn’t go because I knew I couldn’t hang. The same day they were going to see the broadway show, Chicago, I went to 3 stores in 2 hours and had to take 3 bathroom breaks and 2 snack breaks during my errands, and when I got home I had to put my feet up for an hour because they were so tired and sore. I was sad and jealous that they were in NY, but knew I would only hold them back if I had chosen to go.
5. I’m not little and cute. I’m not a small girl, and I never have been. For whatever reason, I thought that I would magically become this little, cute pregnant person. Instead, I feel like a swollen, lumpy version of myself.
Here are some things that make me happy when I am done being horrified:
- Something I took from one inspiring blog I read the other day is that I am a vessel.
- I, along with so many other women, am growing a human-being.
- My blood is nurturing a life and enabling him to live each day in a way that cannot be explained or duplicated by anything other than a female. A mother.
- I am incredibly strong, and will be the best mom I can be to this little being who I only know now through his signature kicks and punches.
- In 12 short weeks, I will bring him into this world and love him more than anything I have ever loved, and so will my husband, and that is all a child truly needs to survive. So, if I fail at everything else, I will know that he will be okay.